Newbie

Hi everyone, I am new and uncertain. I am 35 and this year has been just horrible for me and I have been diagnosed with depression. I moved to the US 11 years ago and my family back home have all fallen out with one another. My parents have disowned my brother and his family and my sister and her family and now my sister won't talk to me or my brother and my parents are not in the least supportive or indeed ever really been. Then in January this year my fiance and I postponed our wedding which was going to be this year while we worked through some issues, since then he cancelled the wedding, told me he no longer loves me and asked me to move out and as he is also my boss I had to find another job. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy and didn't expect me to just leave he was going to help me find an apartment and support me until I found another job. When this happened I fell apart, totally. He came with me to therapy which helped and now he says he wants to give us another chance. He is not sure if he is in love with me and is not sure if he wants to be in a relationship, but knows that nobody will ever love him like I do. So I don't have to move out or find another job but my confidence is shaken to nothing. I have started to suffer panic attacks which I used to have many years ago and get nervous when I am too far from home. I am a mess and want to work on the relationship and prove what a great independant woman I am, but at the moment I feel like a total nothing, a total failure. There is a lot more of my past I know that makes me feel this way, but I won't bore you with it all now. I am on zoloft just started a few weeks back, I feel so down and tired in the mornings and not sure if its because I don't take the zoloft until the afternoon and my legs ache all the time...is this normal? they ached before the medication as well. I am just looking for help, support and a light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway hello everyone.

Newbie

I feel so terribly alone

Newbie

I am such a mess right now. I feel so down, dark and alone. Why is it nobody loves me. I used to think I was lovable...my family don't want me, my first husband was abusive, my second husband decided after 5 years of marriage he didn't love me and now my now ex-fiance boyfriend doesn't love me. I have not many friends and the couple I have I have not been able to see as I have been suffering panic attacks. I feel so lonely, depressed and miserable. I'm not suicidal, but remember the film the Matrix where the guy says if you take this pill it will all change for you and if you take the other pill you will go on with your life, well I wish someone would give me a pill that would just take away the pain, the hurt, the fear, the memories. I wish we came with reset buttons. If anyone is out there, I could do with some support. I am sorry for bothering you but I have no one else to talk to. I have counselling tomorrow, I cancelled it on Friday as I was to depressed to go...doesn't that sound stupid.

Newbie

Thanks Ava, Wildcat & Sylvie for your words of encouragement. I went to counselling yesterday. The sun was shining and I was feeling up beat and positive, today althought the sun is shining I feel less so. I feel a little anxious and lonely. My parents called me yesterday which is rare and that was really nice, still nothing from my brother and sister. My boyfriend is working away from home and I just heard he probably won't be back until after the weekend. I fully understand he has to as he has a project on which needs to be completed and owning his own small company means he has to be there, but it doesn't help with the feeling of loneliness, however sometimes I feel lonely even when he is here. Like I am floating in space and there is no life line to grab on to, no home base. While he is away this week I have set myself some goals. I have arranged for a trainer to come over tomorrow and help me train my dog to walk properly (his pulling is terrible and makes walking him horrible, when I have the energy to walk him) so I hope I can do it without cancelling on her. I am going to try and go get my nails manicured and go to the counsellor again on Friday. These past couple of months I make plans and then I keep cancelling them because I start to have anxiety as soon as I make the plans and hang up the phone. I hate this. But at least the trainer is someone I know and is coming to my house. I work from home and have work to do, but I can't seem to focus on it at the moment. I keep putting it off. Also, I haven't started the course yet. I read the information for day 1 and 2 but haven't done the homework. Does it work? will it help? I have never been good at keeping a journal or anything like that and I guess I am afraid someone will see it. I was worried about typing on this board in case someone recognized me from what I typed. I know I should not be embarressed or ashamed, but I feel like a failure that I am weak somehow because I let myself get depressed. I look at everyone around me smiling, happy getting on with their lives and I think why can't I do that anymore? I guess I am rambling, but I needed to get this off my chest. Eliza

homour as meditation

Wildcat, Thank you, thank you. I was feeling so miserable and then I read your posts. I laughed so hard I woke the dog up. Eliza

Newbie

Hi Wildcat, I did great last week, I went out to lunch on my own, went to bible study, grocery shopping and therapy and then everything went wrong at the weekend and now this week I am feeling scared and shaky again. I was on such a high last week and feeling so positive and almost back to myself. Today I spent the morning in bed watching tv, not wanting to get up and start the work I have to do. I promised I would do it this afternoon, but instead have done everything but. I keep thinking if only my boyfriend who I live with would just tell me he loves me again the way he used to, I would feel okay again. Everything would be great. Who am I kidding. I feel so alone, hell I don't even want to be with me at times. I keep getting wedding stuff sent to me even though I am trying to get off the mailing lists. My wedding dress is hanging in the closet of his mum's house and I am dreading September when we should of been getting married. He is a great guy, he is supportive and caring and we are "working" on the relationship but I am just so afraid. My therapist said I need to work on me and not worry about him and the relationship or where it might or might not go, but some days it is so hard. Does anyone else have to almost force themselves to take their medication? I have to constantly remind myself to take my zoloft. I haven't started the program yet either. I just feel so lazy but unable to want to do things that I used to enjoy. The thought of sitting and getting my nails done fills me with dread. Sheesh how nuts do I sound? I've told a few close friends that I am suffering from depression and panic attacks and they have been great about it. I even told my sister in law today, but asked her to keep it to herself, but hey my family don't talk to each other anyway since they imploded at Christmas. Anyway thanks for listening. How are you doing? I read you do origami thats fantastic. I try and crochet. I started an afghan and I must of gone astray somewhere as it is coming out a weird shape...oh well its unique! Eliza

Consequences of Stress

Hi, I get stomache aches, diarrhea, pains in my legs and neck pain. I am always tired and feel on edge. Eliza

Trying to change things I can't

Hi, I don't have kids, so my opinion isn't worth much, however I want to say something. You need to stop thinking about what is good for your son and instead be totally about YOU! what is good for you. You can hand on heart say you did your best, ignore your ex who wants to blame you for your son, blame is just an easy way to stop feeling guilty yourself. 19 he is an adult. I moved out when I was 17, I have made mistakes, screwed up royally. But there is it. I guess what I am trying to say is, in my opinion, give him your love and support but not at the expense of your health and happiness. Because if you make yourself ill or hurt then you both lose. Take care of yourself Eliza

Not Fair

Nothing seems to ever go to plan. Nothing ever goes right and I am just bloody tired of the constant struggle. Of people taking me for granted, of not feeling loved, of not feeling wanted or feeling like a nobody. When does it ever get easier. When is my happy time. All I ever wanted was to be loved and that seems like it never is going to happen.