New and a bit frightened.

Hello everyone. I dont really know where to start. I am a 27 year old Mother of one boy, wife of another LOL. I have lived with anxiety and panic since litterally as long as i can remember, and as i can clearly remember quite a bit..even up to the early age of 3 thats quite a long time. Ive never really recieved any help for it. My mother refused to take me to anything besides the family doc as a child, and about freaked when I was diagnosed with "cronic fatigue" and the mention of antidepressents where made. "No child of hers could be depressed" Thanks Mom LOL. After all the mental and physical abuse of my child I couldnt understand how it wasnt expected LOL. but i digress. As a child I had a constant fear of "not being good enough" or "not measureing up" My earliest stepfather demanded perfection and anything less in even the smallest parts of our lives equal out to very steep punnishment. I was constintly reminded that I was a disapointment. As i got older this situation changed, My stepfather was removed from my life, but I think the damage was already done. I constantly felt I wasnt good enough. Sitting in a group of kids at school..i couldnt do anything but imagine what they could be thinking..the horrible thoughts they could be having about me. The thousand of things that could go wrong if I tried to approch someone. Always, I have this stream of thoughts in my background of "what ifs" all of them bad, so much so that i can find myself practically paralyzed at the thought of making a decision. Its like a act of congress to get me to call the the electric company to ask for a days grace..I start to panic, and visions dance accross my eyes of my family freezing to death under a bridge if i cant get the electricity to stay on and possible domino effects that could happen. Driving is my worst issue. I was never comfortable behind the wheel, but after dodging a deer at 17, and rolling a vehicle..nearly killing my best friend and mother..I have had it much worse. I am a darn good driver..the rational side of me knows that. But just thinking of getting behind that wheel can have my chest seizing up..and me hyperventalating to the point of passing out. Yes I have once blacked out behind the wheel after I got hit by a panic attack and didnt pull over fast enough. Somehow i made it to the shoulder. I have no memory of it tho. I can drive..certain vehicles..and on very spacific paths..with absolutely no changes. As an example. My old job, after my husband drove me to work and home everyday for a year and a half I finnally managed to start driving myself..I had to take the exact same route..I could not even switch lanes. And I STILL had panic attacks once or twice a week minimum. That was a 45 minute..nearly straight shot highway ride. I still after living in this city for 5 years..not drive 3 blocks away to the grocery store, docs office, school, library..or anywhere "in town". I have to be driven everywhere. Not so good for my self image. It makes me feel like im a burden on my family, and a failure as a wife, and a mother. I know my family doesnt see it that way..but I cant seem to help it. Im the only one in my family physically able to work to support my family, and its like walking into a nightmare to go to work each day..just to earn minimum wage and still barely skim by with enough food to feed my family every day. I know I am a intelligent women, I am fully capabile of get a job with better hours, and pay. If I could just get to such a job..after landing it. This panic stuff is holding me back from so much in life. Its hurting my family. I need to learn to live with it, to overcome it. And I need to do so without putting others in danger (such as not wanting to black out at the wheel again and possible hurt someone). I have no insurence. I couldnt afford a dollor a month to pay for health care right now (and no im not kidding, we ate beans a rice donated from a church last week, im that broke) but i cant keep putting this off because i cant afford help. So I set out on a search for some self help, something that could help me learn to deal with my panic and anxiety even if its not perfect. Okay sorry for the Ramble.

New and a bit frightened.

I just wanted to hop on and thank you all for the replys. It was super scary for me to post and introduction..which is likely why i rambled on so much. I tend to do that when nervous lol. Thank you all for the warm welcome. I Love the fact that this is a place I will be able to post and not feel like the weird person if you know what i mean. I intend to post here often, it may take me awhile to get to that point..posting in itself causes me to get a wee bit anxious. Its scary for me to come out of my immediate family and talk about these issues, For one of the same reasons I never looked for professional help..(other then finances). I keep getting this crazy Idea that by seeking help..the fear ill be seen as unfit because of this ..a unfit mother..wife..person. I KNOW its not true. I know Im not unfit, I know no ones going to come storming and and rip my son away..ect..I know having a anxiety disorder doesnt make me unfit..but those are the fears that pop in anytime i think of seeking help. It is so nice to just look through the boards and see that nope..no ones being judged for posting. No ones pointing fingers and yelling "freak". Its just nice to know I CAN post.LOL Again thank you all.

Penny for your thoughts?

The last few days the biggest thing on my mind has been finances, working on my anxiety, and learning how to help my kiddo as he just got diagnosed with ADHD.  When my mind wanders..its usually to either one of those..or occasionally a nice little fantasy world for a bit of a daydream.

Regrets Only

I have plenty. Two big ones is regretting leaving Houston. A long time ago when i was still in High school I moved to Houston to stay with my dad as honestly a act of rebellion towards my mother..or more of a wake up call to her to remind her that I was the child not the adult (she started having me pay rent at 13..by 15 I was completely supporting her and going to high school while she did drugs and partyed)) We had a confrontation and i litterally got up and left to live in Houston. While there I landed a awesome internship with HISD as a Networking Specialist. It was the best paying and funnest job Ive ever had, but my mom called begging me back and per usual I could not say No..so i left. Ive always regretting the missed opportunities I could have had if i had stayed and taken the more pemanant job opportunaties and training I was offered. But at the same time, I may never have had my son or met my hubby if I had stayed. LOL. Its strange the kind of things you can look back and kinda wish you could go back and try over huh.

Fantasy versus dreaming - how´s it figure in your life?

New and a bit frightened.

Again thank you all for your welcoming and supportive replies. Ive been slowly reading a few posts at a time the past few days..and will likely start posting off and on soon. Youll notice ill likely go in cycles..post like crazy and then go quiet for a day or two lol. I also finnally put in for a appt with the local MHMR clinic..it will be next tues Morning (suppost to be) to see if I qualify. Im scared to death I wont qualify financially and I wont be able to afford it. Tho I know I should..I mean heck I dont even make 900 a month with child support and am supporting 5 people..so you would think..LOL and my son qualifies. My husband just keeps telling me to breathe and that we will find a way but my brain just wont quit there..I need to KNOW how we will find a way lol. Anyways..I should qualify..from there we will see what kind of help they are willing to give me..and what they say. I know it took awhile to get appointments for the kiddo..I think im getting impatiant already because now that ive convinced myself to seek help..im afraid that I will either be denied it..or chicken out. Kinda helps knowing that at the very least I have this..Id like to have both..Id like to be officially evaluated..and treated and have this but it does help that I know that I am going to be able to work thro this either way lol and have the support group here either way.

Your Top 3- Things You Have Not Done

Sudden Anger

"Everything and anything"

"Everything and anything"

Thank you both for your replies. I have been making a real effort since i started with this site to make sure to really try and pay attention to the thoughts that occure with my panic attacks..and since reading about it..ive started attempting to challenge them..course that usually comes after the panic attack subsides. Im trying to get in the habit of jotting down my anxious thoughts ect like the homework says. Not easy considering i cant print any of the worksheets..cant afford it..and the only spiral i have is a bit too big to carry around with any kind of ease lol so im often writing what i can remember down hours later. I am starting to wonder if it might be a good idea once this therapy ball i started at the clinic gets rolling to go the medication route..just long enough to slow some of the thoughts down. It really does feel like im just being bombarded by these irrational thoughts so fast that most of the time each thought just runs together. I dont know. Will just continue working at it for the way i am..and when we get to that point with the clinic therapist see what they think. Im real iffy about starting a medication..as im super afraid that i will end up using it as a "crutch" long term if im not careful. But you know what...if it helps me by making it just a bit easier to deal with all this junk..thats just a bit farther down the road then i was before so ill take the help!