Hi. Just wanted to say hello to everyone. i guess like so many others, i found myself needing some guidance to start some change in my life. Im a single, 49 male and I have been struggling with depression and anger issues. They seem to feed each other. Ive had both for as long as I can remember but was able to mask, hide or control them enough that it didnt effect my life too much. The last few years this hasnt been the case and has been getting noticeably worse. I dont date or socialize because I dont want people to see “the real me” and am Im on the verge of being fired from a job Im good at, and should really appreciate, but I only get stuck in negative thoughts there. I have very few friends because of my negativity and dont really enjoy much of anything anymore. I recently I had to put down my dog Max after his fight with cancer. He fought for 7 months. Ive never loved anything as much as him. Ever. Including humans. Watching him go through that and losing him has been SO profoundly painful for me. Tears are running down my face as I type. Really miss him. Ive been pretty black inside for almost a year now and I really feel like Im at a crossroads. Im so tired. I have to get outa this and am starting to take steps. I know that its going to take a long time but feels a bit better just getting started. Thanks in advance for any support and I hope to be able to contribute here and there for you too. S

Thanks for the kind words Grapeseed. sorry to hear about your pup too. Hits hard. Its getting a bit easier. My dogs name was Max. Im also working on other issues so losing my bud was kinda the match on the fire. One day at a time. I wish you well

Hi Ashley. thanks for the support. Im slowly starting to feel a bit better about the loss of Max. Im starting, and trying, to think more about the fun etc we had together. Day by day. Its taken me a while to try and share my experience about his last few months and his death. I havent shared my experience with anyone to date. A heavy thing to lay on someone so I havent spoken about it much. So yes, Max was my best friend in the world. I spent a lot of time with him. Best dog Ive ever had. one day when we were playing, I saw a growth in his mouth. My heart dropped. i knew it was going to he bad. I took him in and had it most of it removed but turned out to be an aggressive form of cancer. They couldnt get it all. He was given around six months. I was crushed. I spent as much time with him as i could. For the next 7 months I watched this thing slowly grow in his mouth. Having to see it everyday was very very hard and you couldnt avoid it. Every time he looked at you it was right there to remind. My anxiety about what I was going to have to do grew daily. Eventually it got to the point where he was having problems eating and drinking. Id come home from work and hed have blood all over his mouth and down his chest from a small split in the growth. Drool etc. All through it, he was just happy to see me. wagging his tail as I cleaned him up over and over. I knew i had to take him in soon but how do you kill your best friend? It was torture for me. The day I finally took him in, hed had a bad day. Couldnt even eat his favorite treat, a fried egg, and puss/blood seeping from his mouth. Longest drive of my life. I live 45min away from the vet. I was kinda glad to get to go for one last drive with him as he loved the truck, but was obviously hell. My main focus in the vet was to keep it together. I didnt want him to see me break down and worry about me. I kept it together untill just after he went heavy in my arms. The ride back and walking into my apartment for the first time without him was very tough. The silence is so loud. Its still tough. It was seven months from the time I found the cancer untill he died and eleven months till now. Its been a long heavy year. ive had anger/depression issues in the past but this has been a lot to process on top of that. Day by day I guess. The homework has been good. Helps to write things down and sort some thoughts out. Helped to identify and confirm a few things that give me anxiety. Ill keep plugging along. Thanks. Very emotional typing this all out and Im bagged. Off to have some tea.

Thanks for the kind words Ashley. Writing out my thoughts and feeling has always helped me. Im not sure why I havent done more. Im thinking of starting a daily journal. Im an emotional person, and a bit hyper, so writing slows me down and forces me to think about how to process feelings and express myself better. I have to admit Ive had some good days of late. I think finally getting out my “story” about Max has been a release valve. I also had a good meeting with my employers to talk about my current situation. I dont think I previously mentioned that Im also injured from an accident at work. Its put stress on me as I may lose my job if I cant return to full duties soon. Hasnt helped my situation much but they have been supportive so far. One day at a time is my saying now. Im trying to get out and see friends and family more and trying to create new habits too. One day at a time. Thanks much for the support