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4 years ago 0 1 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Does anybody actually care?

Here I am, here we all are.

I don't know where to start. My same-sex fiancé and I moved to town about 6 months ago. We now live over 3 hours away from our friends and family. This is the biggest move I have done in my entire life and I've been feeling very homesick. Add some anxiety and depression on top of that and that's how I am feeling. Lately my anxiety has been SO BAD! I have no friends out here so Im also feeling very lonely. Im a shy person by nature, and I find it so hard opening up to new people. Especially when my brain is telling me they don't even care to get to know me. At work, Im the youngest person as far as I can tell by at least a decade or two. I have nothing in common with these folks... my depression says they don't care about me, my anxiety says they are talking about me and judging me. I just smile at them and keep to myself. If Im nice they can't dislike me that much right? I don't keep in touch with friends back home about my mental health, or at all. I know the battles of life and don't want to burden anyone else. What could they really do to help? Im left holding it all in for days at a time. I put myself in this corner and tell myself nobody cares about me, but the little angel on my shoulder says yes people do care...but I don't listen, I don't believe.

I had a really hard upbringing, just like a lot of people. See, I don't feel special at all. I've been wishing I was dead for a long time now. Very different from suicidal though, I don't actually want to cause harm to myself, I just wish I wasn't here anymore. After struggling for years with mental health, I finally want to see somebody to talk too. But they are so pricey I can't afford it. I have started meditation but fell off of that too. I just feel so hopeless, so worthless, so crappy all the time! I truly don't know what to do anymore. I can only hide my issues for so long.

So here I am writing this post. I don't know If I will get anything out of this but I can hope.